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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Random Post-biopsy thoughts

It is never a good sign when they ask, "How much of your $3000 deductible have you met?"

It is an even worse sign when they follow that with, "We show that you still have to meet 2700...the procedure costs $6700 (yep those zeros are right) much of that $2700 that will be your responsibility are you prepared to pay today?"

Other than the jaw-dropping price, I now have the freedom to pursue any medical attention we need since I've again met our deductible in full in one fell swoop. Bring on the TRAMPOLINES-broken bones are covered until December!!!

The place I went was THE BOMB. The receptionist took my information and said she would pray it would go well. The financial women took my money and said she would pray that I got good results...and I never mentioned anything to them about what I was there for or any concern at all. Nice to be in a Christian place :-).

My mom went with me and they let her come in for the whole procedure. She's nerdy like me, and wants to see how they do it...she just doesn't admit it like I do :-). It was nice to have her there to talk to before and after, and we went to an awesome lunch at Cheesecake Factory after. We both got the Loaded Baked Potato Soup which was sooooo good. I had the raspberry lemonade and it was the best I've ever had. I was so full from both of those though that I didn't have any cheesecake!

My nurse and the doctor and the mammogram tech were all very nice. They were Christian too, and I felt like I was in good hands.

It was better and worse than I thought it would be. Better, in that the lidocaine part really didn't hurt. You know lidocaine...the stuff they inject you with to numb you up. They usually say something like, "this is going to feel like a bee sting." (Men can skip the rest of this. ) Yeah, 'cause bees routinely sting my BOOB! Anyway, it didn't sting. It barely hurt at all. Even the lying flat on the table face down with my BOOB hanging through a hole wasn't that bad.

What was bad? Well, first they take the Boob hanging through the table and put it into a mammogram machine under the table. Then they take a few pictures. Then they put your boob into the mammogram machine just how they want it and compress it...and leave it there...for the WHOLE rest of the time. And, let's just say calling it a "needle" biopsy is a bit misleading. I mean, I'm familiar with needles. I've spent several years of my life getting injected with them weekly and monthly for allergies. And no, for the record, I did NOT think they'd be using an allergy shot needle to do this...but I did picture something more like an amnio needle. Big, long, and scary.
Yeah, well what they really use makes an amnio needle look small and wimpy. Below is the best picture I could find.
It's like taking the end of a ball point pen, making it razor sharp, giving it another cutting surface on the side, attaching it to a vacuum, and jamming that into your BOOB! It was GREAT! (Yes, that's sarcasm.)

Actually, it wasn't that bad either because I was really numbed up...but I'm not numb anymore, so draw your own conclusions.

And lastly, and if you are queasy you might want to skip this part, when they removed the "needle" (hereafter to be called the alien probe), I started bleeding. Or at least they said I did, since I couldn't feel or see it (remember my Boob is hanging through a hole in the table). Bleeding enough that they, ummm, hastened the end of the procedure. Bleeding enough that they decided doing the follow-up mammogram down the hall might be a bad idea. Bleeding enough that they packed the area with gauze and then crammed it BACK into the mammogram machine under the table and cranked up the pressure to apply enough pressure to make it stop. For 20 minutes. It didn't work. Bleeding enough that I could have given blood if anyone had collected it all. Bleeding enough that I heard how they once had to do this to woman for 2 HOURS before it stopped. (It stopped after about 45 minutes.) Bleeding enough that they told me if it started bleeding again at home and I couldn't get it to stop in 5 minutes, I should head to the E.R. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Anyway, I'm home, and I'm fine now, although I suspect I'll be bruised for weeks. (At one point they had me roll over on my back, and the nurse basically assumed CPR compression stance over my Boob to get it to stop bleeding...except unlike in CPR there is no letting UP, just the continuous downward pressure for 20 minutes. I felt like Annie the CPR test dummy.) They told me to take it easy for the next day, so anyone who wants to bring me bon-bons is welcome to stop by :-).

Oh, and the Dr. said she wouldn't bet her LIFE, but she would bet her DOG that my results would be benign. I asked if she was wrong if that means she gets MY DOG (PLEASE!...although I'm not sure I'm so desperate to get rid of him that Cancer is a better alternative.) I'll get my results on Monday. Anyone want to watch my kids Monday afternoon???
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Leisa said...

I am so sorry you had to even go through with this, and HOW did I miss that it was today?? I know I haven't been online...

Well I will check in with you tomorrow and see what you need. Got any good drugs?

crispy said...

Sorry you have to go through this. Praying that it shows that nothing is too seriously wrong.

Lisa said...

Boy, does that sound like fun!
That needle thingy is just WRONG.
As is the booby bleeding and getting smashed thing. It couldn't possibly have been simple and routine, hmmm? ;) sounds like all is well, but it will be nice to get the "official" confirmation on Monday.

Tiffany said...

Can I see your bruises?
Just kidding but you know me, I have to write something funny. Correction--something that "I" think is funny. Others seldom agree.
Sorry it was so bad! The lunch sounds like it made up for it a little bit though. But--no time for cheesecake??!!
What time Monday? I have tutoring at 4:30 with the most distractable kid on the planet. If you can get your kids picked up before then I could probably keep them.

Melissa said...

O-U-C-H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the descriptions are hilarious - hanging boobies - CPR Annie. Hahahahaha! Your kids are welcome to come here. I can do a pick up or drop off - to tie in with ballet.

Julie said...

I've been praying and keeping up in real life watching your kids and talking in person and all the serious stuff, so reading this post I was able to just chuckle at how many times you said the word BOOB, I think you could've thrown in a few more!

Elizabeth said...

Amy I am so very sorry your appointment went this way. I'm glad it's over for you and that you are resting at home. We'll keep praying for you!


Leaning on the Everlasting Arms said...

I am sooo sorry! I can't even begin to imagine (any of it, really)~ Hope you're feeling better soon!

P.S. - We don't get home until 1 pm on Monday, but if I can help out in the afternoon, let me know!