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Monday, October 29, 2007

Still SOOO human

I'm in a funk, and it is apparently of my own making. I had a thing tonight that I was in charge of...a practice to run for an organization I belong to. Some folks were having trouble with one spot that we were going over and over, but they really wanted to get it right. Some others were having trouble with the same thing, but they were content to just not get it and move on...after all, it is Monday night and there is apparently football to be watched. Trying to appease both groups resulted in me saying something that a friend took, I think, to be me bragging (which was NOT my intent), and she took it upon herself to humble me in front of everyone. I am sure that was not her intent, but that sure was the way it felt, and really it was one of those moments your just want to disappear because there was no way to even explain where I was going with my comment and not have it just get ridiculously more drawn out. I still feel this sick to my stomach sort of sensation just thinking about it. I know people have the mistaken impression of me that I am very confident, but really left to my own devises, I would probably just walk away from the entire thing rather than have to face everyone again that I was just embarrassed in front of. And the most ridiculous thing is that I am sure none of them even have given the incident a second thought.
I remind myself over and over again that my worth, my status, my sense of belonging, and my confidence all only come from one place-God. What others think should not matter at all if my heart was right and my intentions were true. God calls us to be willing to lay down our LIVES for Him, surely He is worthy of a little humility on my part. But I want so much for people to like me...I'm still so human in that respect. It should be such an easy thing to just rest in God, but my flesh struggles so sometimes-especially when I feel the whole situation was a misunderstanding.
I'm so blessed that we have been spending so much time in Paul's writings in church. Now there is someone who was willing to be embarrassed for (NOT of) the gospel, in so many ways. Really his whole focus was to proclaim the gospel no matter what the personal cost. I am humbled to think how far I have to go before I really consider ALL things joy-even being unjustly brought low. And I am challenged to chose the most excellent response, not the one that leads to a sense of self-preservation by relying on my own strength or by not trusting God to have my best interests at heart one way or the other.
God has already used this to show me something though about my own feelings for someone else whom I frequently feel like "brags" about their accomplishments. Maybe they too are misunderstood, only this time it is ME doing the misunderstanding. Really, they just state facts. I am the one who takes those facts, finds myself lacking compared to them, and then feels judged by them, when really the other person is not involved in it at all. It's my own shortcomings that cause their statements to be tough pills to swallow-not the fact that they don't have those particular shortcomings. They have plenty of other ones. I know that, not because I judge them, but because we are all "works in progress" as we discussed in the opening of Philippians on Sunday. God has things He needs to work out, to perfect, in all of us, but those things are as different for each of us as we are from each other
I'm so blessed that I have worth in God-so much worth that He sent His son to die on the cross for me-and He would have done that if I were the only person in the world that needed saving. That's true for you too you know.
I'm blessed that I have status as His chosen child. Chosen before the world was formed. He has loved me for eternity. I am that important to Him. So are you.
I'm blessed that I belong to God. I am an heir to His kingdom. Adopted into His family. Daughter of the creator of everything. You are, or can be, too.
I am blessed that I have the confidence of salvation. I keep my eyes on the prize of the upward call in Christ. I will have everlasting life. That confidence comes not from any strength of mine, or any accomplishment of the flesh, but from the very Word of God. It is living, it is active, and it is Truth.
Until tomorrow,
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